


Bassness Time

by ichronoclast



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-07
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-10-21 03:06:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/220204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichronoclast/pseuds/ichronoclast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bad Teen Sex, starring America's favorite seadwellers.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Feferi clutched her bedsheet-dress around her with one hand, hurriedly shooing her cuttlefish out of the windows. There could be no witnesses. The sparkly cone hat was slipping off her head, and wearing every necklace she owned was getting cumbersome, given that she had a couple dozen, some discovered in sunken chests on the ocean floor, some purchased by Eridan out of the gumball machines at Walleye-Mart.

The door flew open with a bang, and in strode Eridan, cape fluttering in the breeze from the box fan plugged in behind him, his Burger Kingfish cardboard crown hung from one horn, wielding a golf club with a ribbon tied around it as a scepter, clutching something behind his back.

"Behold, princess! I have-- Feeeeeef," he whined, "you're supposed to be on your throne!"

The throne in question was a folding chair with a velveteen curtain draped over it, surrounded by every throw pillow in her hive, even the weird patchwork furbeast-shaped one that Nepeta made for her a while back when she was trying to learn to sew.

"Well, sorry, but I can't let my fishy friends sea this!" One cuttlefish slipped back in the window, and she threw it back out again and slammed the window shut and the curtains closed. "Just go out and come back in again!"

"Fine," he grumbled, and went back out into the hall, shutting the door behind him.

Feferi shuffled in her turquoise paisley 500-thread-count finery, which was scented in the finest perfumes Bounce had to offer, over to her makeshift throne, sat, and arranged her sheet so Nepeta's pillow's button eyes were covered too.

"Are you ready yet?" Eridan asked from behind the door. "Do you havve your wwand?"

She picked up the costume shop plastic-star-on-a-stick and pushed the hat back on. "Yes, come in."

"Come in, wwho?"

She sighed. "Come in, Your Highness."

His Highness returned triumphantly to the Royal Respiteblock, slipping slightly in his octopus-print socks, unable to keep a grin from his face.

"My lady, I havve returned triumphant from slaying the dragon!"

The head of the pilfered Scalemate squeaked as he held it out to her, and a bit of stuffing came out.

"Well done, Mister King sir. But why couldn't the knights go do it?"

"They aren't as bravve and noble as me! Look, I evven got to keep some plunder!"

He indicated his black briefs, to which he'd added rhinestones and some random chains with hot glue. A Dixie cup with tulips on it stuck out awkwardly from the inside front.

"Oh, is that why my Bedazzler is broken?"

"This is my +3 Codpiece of Sexiness! Isn't it... alluring?" He did a little hip shake and a jewel fell off.

"Ooh, Mister Ampora, ooooh," she snarked.

"Yeah, you knoww you wwant some a this," he purred, not picking up on the sarcasm. "So are you gonna knight me or wwhat?"

"But we've established that you're a king!"

"Then wwhy do you havve a magic wwand if not to knight me wwith?"

"That doesn't even make sense! Knights are knighted with swords!"

"Wwell then you could, maybe, I dunno, cast a spell to make your clothes fall off?"

“We’re having sex," she replied dully, "not writing a ridiculous fanfic. And I am perfectly carpable of removing my own clothes!"

"Then could you, maybe, do that please?"

"Only if you take off that stupid crown. And cape. And put your dad's golf club down before you hit something."

"I like my cape. It's comfortin."

"Fine, fine, just take off the crown, then."

"Oh, I'll take it off...."

He proceeded to do a little dance and hummed 'The Stripper' while he slowly pulled the crown off. He winked and tried to hang it on the paper codpiece, but it fell off. He kicked it out of the way and then said, "okay, your turn. Let me see the royal jewwels, Fef!"

"Oh cod glubbing why...."

Her Highness let go of her raiment and it fell around her feet. She was still wearing her gold anklets and green cotton panties. The necklaces clattered and jingled, her beads and jewels and the plastic Polly Pollack all mixed up together with her hair that fell down her chest to her hips. She squared her shoulders, stuck her chin out a little, and looked just over his shoulder while he pulled his cape around him.

"Oh cod," whispered Eridan, a little choked up. He came closer. "Can I kiss you?"

“Yeah,” Feferi's voice cracked a little.


	2. Chapter 2

He smelled like Antiquated Seasoning aftershave and too many breath mints and something warm, sweet, and slightly spiced that smelled so familiar to her. Like something that had been lost to her long ago, and she would only find at this very moment.

“Eridan...?” she said, softly. “Do you--”

Their lips met and every nerve in her body sang and as soon as she tasted it on his lips, she knew.

“Eridan, you have my Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker, don't you?”

He looked down at his feet. “8 Swweeps magazine says you should keep your lips moist wwhen you're gonna kiss someone.”

“It's kinda nice, I guess.” She put her hand on his cheek, bringing him up to look him in the eye, and his face fins fluttered, muscle undulating under the skin. “Just, get your own next time, okay?” She kissed his forehead.

She kissed his forehead and he smashed his lips into hers. She pulled him off, lip feeling bruised from crashing against her teeth.

"Whoa! What are you doing?"

"Sorry, sorry, I just got... excited."

"Try it again."

This kiss was softer, and she took his hand in hers, squeezing hard. His other hand slid up her chest and fiddled with her hair a moment, twirling a lock around his finger as he would often do when they were just sitting and talking. It was such a natural thing for him to do that it was a slight surprise when he grabbed her breast, a little reminder that yes, the two of them were nearly naked and about to... do It. Together. Right now.

"Oh man," mumbled Eridan. "That feels... nice." Then he started twisting her breast like a doorknob. Feferi wrenched him off.

"OW JEEZ."

"Wwas that bad?"

"Don't do that! It's not a jar of peanut butter. Next time, ask if it feels okay before you keep doing something."

"Right, sorry."

He took his hand off and instead slipped it over her shoulder, while she pulled him close around his waist. She walked backwards to the bed and carefully sat down, and he straddled her leg,   
It felt very weird, having another person's weight on her thigh, and even weirder to feel oh gosh she couldn't even mentally name the... things... squishing around between his legs.

Eridan's hand slid gently up her neck, and she gasped very quietly. He smirked and lowered his head to kiss the spot he'd stroked and oh wow that felt nice asdkjfksladjflksd--until he bit her.

"Aah!"

"Mmm, you like that, don't you?"

"No."

"Oh yeah, and-- wwait, you don't? But you--"

"That was too hard."

“That's wwhat she said!"

She thumped him on the chest. "No!" She scrunched up her face and he looked very sheepish. A minute later, he apologized again. She sighed and lay back, grabbing a pillow and holding it to her chest.

"Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all, Eridan."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too," she said. "Maybe we could just talk a while?"

“If that's wwhat you wwant.”

“I don't even know now.” She turned away from him and he laid on his back, staring at the empty cuttlecages strung across the ceiling like lonely lanterns.

Feferi listened to Eridan breathing quietly a while, then she felt him roll over towards her. He put an arm around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder.

“Fef?” His voice was very low and right in her ear; it made her ears feel warm and tingly.

“Yeah?”

“Roses are rust,  
vviolets are purple.  
I didn't mean  
to be so hurtful.”

She clutched the corner of the pillow in her hand and grinned widely.

“Roses are purp-lish   
_Porphyra_ too.  
Please hold still  
while I pillownate you!”

“Wwhat?”

“WHOOMPH!” She whirled around and hit him with the pillow, thoughtfully providing her own onomatopoeia.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IF I ACTUALLY POST THIS, MAYBE I'LL FINISH THE NEXT PART FOR REAL???

After some time, they got up from their quiet little pile of sheets and went to the kitchen. Eridan cozied up to Feferi and made little hopeful noises.

“Nope nope nope,” and Feferi pushed his face away her cleavage.

“I don't get it, wwhat's the problem here?”

“I'm just not into this, okay? It doesn't feel right yet.”

“Wwhen wwill it feel right? Tell me.”

“Ha! Yeah, I know exactly when I'm going to feel like having sex with you and I'll tell you exactly how to make it happen, that is definitely how it works, Eridan.”

“You should knoww better than anyone, you're all about the feelins and things,” he said, waving his arms sarcastically. “Come on, Fef, can't you givve me a hint or somethin throww me some fuckin chum here.” 

“Oh I'll throw you some fucking chum all right!” Feferi yelled, theatrically opening the thermal hull and reaching for a jar behind the pickles. She heard him running like hell out the kitchen, then the slam of the front airlock and a muffled whiney cry. What a 'fraidy catfish, you throw snacks at a guy one time and all of a sudden you're a holy terror, a juggernaut of hormones and grubsauced chopped smelt. She used a delicate-looking fork to pick out a couple plump fishes to put on each sandwich plate, leaving the fork for Eridan to daintily pick at his lunch. She then closed the jar and took it with her out to the airlock, where she suspected he remained, hunched up against the glass door.

She was correct. There he was, crouched in his cape and feigning a great interest in the takeout menu someone had put in the mail slot. 

“You still don't remember the passcode, do you?”

“I remember it just fine thank you vvery much,” Eridan said, nose in the air and with as much dignity as a man wearing a retarded purple cape and sitting on the floor of her foyer could muster. “I am just perusin this menu of loww class swwill you apparently still order from.”

“You never seem to mind coming over the next day and eating the leftover sweet and sour oinkbeast. Now then,” she chirped, cutting off his inevitable protest, “do you want back inside or not?”

“No, I can come back in any time, thanks.”

“Right, of course.” She opened the jar again and plunged her hand in, pulling out a chunk of fish. 

“You're just tryin to mess wwith me noww. That really doesn't annoy me that much anymore, so enjoy your snack.”

“Good, I will enjoy my snack.” 

“FINE! Sea wwhat I care.” The most pathetic of last words. 

“Shut up.” She savored the salty tangy smelt chunk as dramatically as she could, and she had seen enough dramatics in her lifetime to put forth a brilliant performance, with contented “mmm”s and finger-licking. She wiped an imaginary fleck of grubsauce off her lips and asked “Now do you want to come back inside?”

“Oh, did you say somethin? I wwasn't payin attention,” and he stared as deliberately as he could at the blank ceiling. Well, there was no backing down from this little contest now, was there? She planned her strategy. Blatantly simulating oral sex on a snack food was right out; it would be gauche, something he would come up with. Royalty is elegant. 

Then again, royalty also wanted to sit in the living room and watch Troll Star Trek. It was the one with the adorable fluffy trillbeasts and the genetically-enhanced mortalitriticale, even. 

“OH MY GOD TROLL CAPTAIN KIRK IS SUCH A DORK,” Feferi shouted from the couch to no one in particular. There were thumps at the door. “WOW, LOOK AT HIS SHITTY EXCUSE FOR DIPLOMASEA, JUST BLASTING THINGS WITH HIS PHASER AK-47. WHAT A LOS-------ER.”

“You take that back about Troll Captain Kirk, you hear?” Eridan's shout from the airlock was barely muffled, he was so loud.

“HE JUST RUSHES INTO THINGS AND DOESN'T BOTHER TO ASK WHAT ANYONE ELSE WANTS.”

“That's what wwe as a society fuckin do!”

“MAYBE THIS LINGERIE-CLAD SPACE BABE DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT IN THE HOLODECK.”

“That's not in the script for a reason; no one wwants to wwatch them go at it wwithout the holodeck!”

“I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED. THEY'RE CUTE TOGETHER.”

“...Oh my cod are you flushed for Troll Captain Kirk, Fef?”

“Eridan, did you just miss the fucking point entirely?”

“Wwhat point? Quit the passive-aggressivve bullshit already and get to the aggressivve bullshit, before I get agressivve on this doorlock.”

Unlikely at best, but she might as well let him in now. She got up and went back to the door.

“The holodeck is a gimmick,” she said slowly, like she was explaining hypercalculus to a grubling. “I don't care if they pick out costumes and an exotic locale. I think the two of them would be happier just enjoying themselves as themselves.”

He blinked.

“I'm talking about us, you big dummy.” Feferi smiled. “I like you just as you, especially without the stupid costumes you put on to try and impress whoever you think you're impressing.” 

He stammered a little, so she interrupted him again.

“Now, I'll let you back in IF you agree to two conditions.”

“Yeah sure,” Eridan told the floor.

“One, I'm not ready today, so let's just leave it for now.”

“...Yeah okay,” he said softly.

“And two, I get to borrow your lab for a few days and you can't peek,” she chirped.

“For wwhat?”

“It's a surprise!”

“DONE.” His eyes were wild.

“Oh, well, okay then!” She let him back inside and smooched him on the cheek. “Okay, time for lunch.”

“Wwhat's the surprise?”

“You'll find out.” She winked.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author's Nose: there really is such a thing as a violet wand, and this is the exact intended capacity.  
> Some things, you just can't make up.

It was such fun to poke around in people's basements, Feferi thought. She always found such exciting surprises! Not that she didn't know all about Eridan's “laboratory” in the basement of his hive, and how it was little more than a scratched-up antique desk, a magnifying lamp, some tools, and a stack of unsettling technical manuals, but she of all people knew that there was always more to something than what was on the surface. 

She'd said three days to get the “surprise” ready, but she'd ended up working much faster than she'd thought she could, and only needed two. All the brown paper parcels were sitting on the desk by her, the padded exam table sturdily affixed to the floor, and Eri's lusus was under the impression that there was a meeting of Mister Moms Against Drunk Driving this afternoon a good 20 miles away. Fef felt content in her plans going so smoothly. She just needed to set up one more thing before the great experiment could begin.

Feferi picked up the sleeping Eridan from his hunched-over position on his crummy office chair and laid him on the table, putting a squashy pillow under his head and covering him with a sheet so he would stop shivering. She should've put a bathrobe on him before leaving him in the chair in his skivvies, but oh well. She buckled the restraints satisfyingly snug around his wrists and ankles. Feferi was so excited she clapped her hands and skipped around a little, giggling like a grubling. This was gonna be so much fun!

Oh gosh, his eyelids were starting to flicker, she only had a few more minutes before he woke up! She hurried to the laundry area behind the makeshift curtains she'd tacked up yesterday, put on her labcoat (“and wizard's hat” she thought, with a snicker,) and took Eridan's clothes out of the washer and threw them in the dryer with a soft towel. She swiped some lip gloss on and fiddled with her lace bra (this was last time she was gonna get lace, it was so itchy!), tugged on her stockings, and stepped into the stilettos she'd borrowed from Vriska “because I'll need to learn how to walk in heels on land eventually!” She'd spent the day yesterday clopping around the house and dancing around and making a delightful amount of noise doing so. 

She wiggled over to the head of the table and waited for him to wake up, smiling as widely as if it was 12th Perigee's and she was about to unwrap her first gift. He moaned quietly and she hovered an inch from his face, grinning sharkily. 

“Glub glub! Good morning, moonshine.” 

“Fef? Wwhat the fuck happened, did I fall asleep?”

“Sure did! Out like a light!” Her cheeks were staring to hurt from smiling so big.

“That's wweird, Earl Grey usually wwakes me right up.”

“Whale, I may have fiddled with the recipe just a little.” 

“Fef, there's no recipe for--” he blinked and his arm struggled in the restraint a little. What a priceless look he had, this was gonna be the best! “Wwhat is going on?”

“SURPRIS------------------------------------------------E!” In the absence of things to throw, she thrust her arms in the air and wiggled her fingers in glee. His eyes darted around his basement lab before he stared at her like an antlerbeast in the headlights. 

“Wwhat did you DO?”

“Oh, you gotta look at this!” She dashed to the table and picked up one medium-sized paper-wrapped box, held it in front of him, then set it down on the edge of the table and unwrapped it hurriedly. “I ordered a science kit and I wanna try it out!”

“Science doesn't come from a kit,” he sniffed. 

“Of course not!” She giggled and opened the box. Inside was a tyrian-colored glass rod with a cord coming from one end and a small wooden case with a latch. “It comes from a wand, doesn't it?” She basked in the glow of her most glorious wordplay yet and brandished said wand at her test subject, who seemed to have forgotten how to blink. “Oh come on, it's not even plugged in yet! It's called a violet wand! I figured you of all people would appreciate it best, and it does look awfully fun!”

“And a vviolet wwand is?” He avoided her gaze. 

She drew an index card from her labcoat pocket and read aloud “A portable and hand-held electrical transformer engineered specifically for the purposes of (her cheeks tingled with blood slightly) erotic stimulation of the skin. It is a high frequency and high-voltage, low-amperage, disruptive discharge coil configuration consisting of a resonator coil, a transformer coil, and a specific-use capacitor.” She paused and looked at the very flushed Eridan, who seemed to have scrunched his eyes closed and was concentrating hard on something. She bent down and murmured in his ear, “Don't you like it when I talk nerdy to you, -Eridan?” His lip quivered slightly, and she lightly brushed his fin with her fingers as she continued, “Minimum specifications are: capable of 50,000 volts output defined, 500 KHZ frequency, capacitor rated for 1 hour or more of continuous operation to the user.”

“Now I may not know what all that means,” Feferi said, bubbly again, “but the 'one hour or more of conchtinuous operocean' sounds appealing to me.” Eridan whimpered quietly as she drew the sheet down to his waist, gently stroking his skin and planting a soft kiss on his collarbone. 

I believe that's what we'd call the control in this experiment, right? Now let's see,” she mumbled to herself striding back across the room, ears tuned to the delightful sound of his stunned near-silence broken by gasps for air, “hit the lights first, I think.” She did so, and the only light in the room now was from a fishtank of his, quietly bubbling away, glowing aqua and with some sort of dim shadowy shape moving in it. “Honey, I hope you're feeding that critter in there. Now, I think you put the glass thing in there and then it just plugs in and--” There was a crackling buzz of electricity. “Oh coooooool, feels like I'm a real movie scientist!”

She held it above her head as it started to glow purple, and took the irresistible opportunity to shout “FOR T)(-E )(ONOR OF GR--------EYSKULL!!” Eridan was staring at the ceiling again, now close to hyperventilating. “You okay there?” 

“Is this gonna hurt?”

“Well, let's find out!”

“That wwas not wwhat I wwanted to hear.”

“I'm kidding! Here, let's try this and you tell me if you wanna keep going, okay? I'll set it nice and low for us.” She unbuttoned the labcoat and slipped the wand into the waistband of her underwear. “Aaaah, it tingles!” She wiggled and danced with delight, trying not to yank on the cord. “All right, now let's try that again. My hypothesis is that you will like this feeling, too.”

“Noww you're just tryin to play to my lovve of science to _guh_ oh god Fef.” 

“Oh, exshellent,” she said, pulling the sheet off completely to watch him squirm. “Just the response I'd predicted.” She patted his hip and gave him a goofy wink. He glowered as best he could through eyes trying to shut on their own. “Aw, now see, this is the kind of grumpy that looks so cute on you.” She peered down at him, planted a kiss on his lips and then turned away, squeeing. “So shall I conchtinue?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I SURRENDER MYSELF TO THE AETHER  
> SORRY TO THE POOR OP WHO ASKED FOR THIS HALF A LIFETIME AGO.

“Fish puns really krill the mood, Fef. Ffffuck, noww you got me doin it.” He made like he was going to put his hands on his forehead like usual, but of course, there were leather straps in the way. She patted the top of his head for him and he made a quiet gurgling noise. 

“So, do you want me to stop or not?”

He swallowed hard and squeaked out a “don't stop.”

“Yay!” More little claps, then she gave him an eskimo kiss. Oh, what fun they were going to have! “Oh oh wait honey, you remember the safeword, right?” 

He gave her a very grumpy look before affirming that it was “Troll Margaret Thatcher.” 

“Right! Now then.” She stood at the side of the table, trying not to shake. They were gonna DO IT. As soon as she was ready, they were gonna do it. She regarded her buoyfrond, aroused and with eyes shut tight. They were definitely gonna do it, really.

“Are you scared?” Feferi asked, quietly.

“Scared? Me?”

“Then why aren't you looking at me?” 

“The fuck? Are you stallin for time here, Fef?”

She gripped the wand tightly and poked it into his shoulder, maybe a little harder than intended.

“Look at me, Eridan.” 

“OUCH okay I'm lookin, I'm lookin!”

“Tell me I'm pretty.”

“Of course you're pretty. You're fuckin beautiful, noww are you gonna, y'knoww....”

“Say it like you mean it.”

“You're beautiful.”

“And what else? Tell me more.” She kept the wand pointed at him and her hand grew steadier. “Tell me why I'm beautiful.”

“Well, you're smart an you have pretty eyes--” 

Zap!

“No no, I mean,” the words spilled out of her mouth before she'd thought about them completely, “tell me what you think about when you see me here, or in the middle of a dream, or when you're alone with your thoughts. Tell me that.”

She watched his gills flap wildly, as he often did when he was nervous. The rush of oxygen in her head lead her to believe she was doing just the same.

“I think about your... I think about your legs, howw they're so strong an thick but your skin is so soft. I think about your hair floating in the water or brushing on your back an shoulders, an howw it wwould feel on my skin.”

“Sweet of you.” She smiled devilishly. “Go on.”

“I think about your lips, you'vve probably noticed me starin at them a lot. Starin at your mouth too long makes me...” 

She gestured with her hands for more, hardly noticing she'd put the wand down. Talk more, dammit!

“You do not wwanna knoww howw often I think about your ass. Fuckin hell. And, yeah I really do think about your eyes, howw they're alwways dancin, howw they light up wwhen I say your name. I wwant to make them bright like that all the time.”

Feferi slipped her labcoat off and touched her hand to Eridan's wrist. He'd managed to turn his face to the side and was looking up at her like she was divine. 

“I don't evven care wwhat you make me do, just as long as I get to touch you, taste your salty skin.”

“Tell me you want me.”

“I do. A lot.”

Good enough. She loosened the straps quickly, but he continued to lay there still. 

“Are you offering yourself to me? Is that what this is?” She murmured.

“I guess yeah.”

She straddled him and brought his head up in her hands to just under her chin. 

“I love you, too.”


End file.
